I'm Not A Player...

Dear Caesar,

I have been dating my girl for about 2 years now. She is great. She is ambitious, warm, considerate, driven and fine as frog’s hair. However over the past few months I have found myself becoming increasingly attracted to my co-worker. She makes me laugh, she’s easy to talk to, and we share a lot of the same views and interests. We have recently been assigned this task that has required a lot of late hours and it has heightened my feelings for her. I haven’t cheated on my girl, but I can’t deny this chemistry I am feeling with my co-worker. Any Suggestions?

Respectfully,

I’m Not A Player

Dear I’m Not A Player,

What you are describing is not uncommon. It’s natural to be attracted to someone who you seem to connect with on multiple levels, specifically if those connections extend beyond physical attraction. However, and let me be clear, you are in a relationship; and it sounds like you are happy with what your girlfriend is bringing to the table; it sounds like a classic case of The Grass May Be Greener. The following are some general rules you should consider if you are dealing with the idea of cheating within your relationship:

1)   Start with Self- you absolutely must determine if you are committed to the concept of being in a relationship. If you are honest with yourself and ask if you should even be in a relationship and your answer is no, don’t bother proceeding with the rest of these rules. Write down the pros and cons of being in a relationship (not in a relationship with your girl, but a relationship period) and see what you come up with.

2)   Beware the 80/20 principle- What you see in one environment many not be what you get all the time. You have to understand that you only know your “co-worker” at work. You may connect with her on some interest or philosophical points, but that doesn’t mean that it will translate into tangible compatibility. You don’t know what her home life is like; you aren’t aware of her history or tendencies; and news flash….because you have not been exposed to a consistent pattern of behavior in multiple environments, you can’t be too sure she’s not lying…there are some real THIRSTY females out there, willing to do whatever to land a guy.

3)   Set Appropriate Boundaries- I know this tends to be a recurring theme, but if you are choosing to be committed in your current relationship, this is a must. No one will ever be able to deny an attraction they feel. But as with every temptation, you must guard against every avenue to act on that temptation. You say y’all have to work long hours…work in public places, give yourself a cut off time (probably before 9pm), check in with your girlfriend frequently in the presence of your co-worker. It may seem tedious, but if you don’t want to cheat…boundaries must be established and followed to the letter.

Those are 3 basic rules of thumb…but if those things don’t work and you can’t seem to shake the thought of cheating, call your girl right before you cheat and break up with her. Give her the satisfaction of hearing out of your mouth what has driven you to this point. Be honest about how you have been feeling with this other woman and apologize for not being open with her when you first started having those feelings. Tell her it has nothing to do with her (because based on what you said, you have no issues with your current girlfriend) and tell her that you were not ready for a commitment and was not man enough to be honest with her. Maybe after having that conversation you will be less likely to cheat and if not, then at least you don’t have to absorb so much regret. Hope this helps!

Sincerely

Caesar