The Bridge is Over

Dear Caesar,

My boyfriend, of 4 years, and I are on what we have both deemed..."A Break". I initiated this separation because I felt he needed to be sent a clear message. He can't keep stringing this relationship along on his terms, he needs to start stepping up and displaying some signs of commitment. Like Beyonce he can either put a ring on it, or it's to the left to the left. Am i wrong? Does this "taking a break" thing even work?

Sincerely,

The Bridge is Over

Dear The Bridge Is Over,

Normally i try to remain completely impartial, but there are several components of your situation that disturb me. While I can't say that you are wrong Per se... I will definitely say that you are by no means right. Below is one man's humble opinion:

1. You signed your letter "The Bridge Is Over"- One might assume that you are from South Bronx, but I want to highlight this idea that , with your signature, you are representing yourself as being completely detached from what you are writing about...which is your relationship. Bridges are connecting structures between two places. If the bridge is no longer a credible relationship structure between you and your significant other...why would you be on a break? Just blow the thing up completely and relocate.
2. Ultimatums are bad- you call it sending a clear message, but what you really are doing is challenging him to concede to your insecurities about being alone. If you are comfortable in your relationship, then there is no need to pressure him into acquiescing that he needs to have the same level of comfort. You challenging his commitment to your relationship, as if 4 years does not prove on some level that he is actually committed, will either push him away or he will offer a half- hearted commitment (i.e. When Martin proposed to Gina the first time).
3. Did you really just quote Beyonce?- Seriously? You're better than that. Your "ring" should come from your man's own volition of wanting to be with you forever...and if even after you send him to the "left" you will still be alone, having learned nothing and probably unwilling to examine your role in the relationship; you would just move on to the next guy...who dates you for a long while...you pressure him...and then you kick him to the curb. See the cycle?

Relationships are about choice. Those choices cannot be forced and you must understand that the only person you can truly control in the relationships you choose...is you! I'm not saying stay with the guy, but if you are going to leave, then have a mature conversation with him about what is leading you to that point. But the whole "Break" concept is comepletely and utterly useless. Hope this helps.

Caesar