Still Waiting to Exhale

Bernie Burning John's Clothes

Dear Caesar,

My girl just went ape on me. I mean I was wrong, but damn! Why do women prefer to tear up a man's car instead of the actual man?

Dazed, Confused, and Carless,

Still Waiting to Exhale

Dear Still Waiting to Exhale,

I took the liberty of posting the actual "clothes burning scene" from Waiting to Exhale for all of our "Visual Learners (hopefully you can see it)". Before I answer the question let me first say Kuddos to you for taking ownership of the part you played in what I can only imagine is a complete tragedy for you (not so much the relationship, but maybe the car...or lack thereof). However, to answer the question, when a perceived way of life is rocked by unexpected reality...it produces irrational thought. When irrational thought is mixed with heavy emotion it often produces irrational and often catostrohic behavior. Be glad she didn't tear up the man... here is a further breakdown on the subject from Mary J Blige.

"While I All the time that I was loving you, you were busy loving yourself"- See what you have here is the beginning of reflection. Typically the jilted individual has already had their first teary fall out and has moved into the "Mirror Reflection" phase. However, because rationality is still in the far reaches of this individual's rear view, they are still focused on all the good THEY did in the relationship, and all the BAD you did...which essentially centers around you being selfish.

"I would stop breathing if you told me too, now you're busy loving someone else"- the focus has now shifted from you being selfish to them feeling stupid. You have to understand this woman probably feels like that everything that involves y'alls relationship was a lie and that she was the only person still trying to uphold the truth. She was willing to do whatever she need for you and the relationship, even if that meant LOSING HERSELF...which now that this has happened...she's pissed and there will be hell to pay.

"Eleven years out of my life, besides the kids i have nothing to show"- In every fit of rage there is a moment of clarity. That moment that identifies a positive outcome from a traumatic experience. IN this example, being able to acknowledge the fact that kids came out of this painful ordeal was an opportunity to grab hold of some reality. However, because no one was there to walk this out with her and because the whole thing seems so "all of a sudden", her overwhelming feelings of wasted time and disappointment only fuel her rage. No more reflection phase...IT'S GO TIME!

"Wasted my years a fool of a wife, I should have left your ass a long time ago"- Ah...finally a breakthrough. She now understands that there were warning signs that this relationship could turn out badly, but she drove passed the warning signs and headed onward down the highway to Hell. the unfortunate part about having this eye opening breakthrough is that the damage has probably already been done. For Bernice, in the movie, this moment begin shortly after walking back in the house...but as the clip shows, his clothes were already in the car, the gasoline already poured on them from above the sun roof of the Mercedes, and the light for her cigarette already lit to provide a perfect end to her FIT OF RAGE.

What can you do then? Count your blessings. Remember that what you did was wrong, but you can't take full responsibility for her actions. But, you also need to understand that if there were no feelings at all she probably would have just killed you. Also understand that this is part of the greiving process and if I were you, I would do some soul searching of your own....before getting involved with another relationship. Next time, you may not be able to exhale at all. Hope this helps!

Caesar