Still Waiting to Exhale

Bernie Burning John's Clothes

Dear Caesar,

My girl just went ape on me. I mean I was wrong, but damn! Why do women prefer to tear up a man's car instead of the actual man?

Dazed, Confused, and Carless,

Still Waiting to Exhale

Dear Still Waiting to Exhale,

I took the liberty of posting the actual "clothes burning scene" from Waiting to Exhale for all of our "Visual Learners (hopefully you can see it)". Before I answer the question let me first say Kuddos to you for taking ownership of the part you played in what I can only imagine is a complete tragedy for you (not so much the relationship, but maybe the car...or lack thereof). However, to answer the question, when a perceived way of life is rocked by unexpected reality...it produces irrational thought. When irrational thought is mixed with heavy emotion it often produces irrational and often catostrohic behavior. Be glad she didn't tear up the man... here is a further breakdown on the subject from Mary J Blige.

"While I All the time that I was loving you, you were busy loving yourself"- See what you have here is the beginning of reflection. Typically the jilted individual has already had their first teary fall out and has moved into the "Mirror Reflection" phase. However, because rationality is still in the far reaches of this individual's rear view, they are still focused on all the good THEY did in the relationship, and all the BAD you did...which essentially centers around you being selfish.

"I would stop breathing if you told me too, now you're busy loving someone else"- the focus has now shifted from you being selfish to them feeling stupid. You have to understand this woman probably feels like that everything that involves y'alls relationship was a lie and that she was the only person still trying to uphold the truth. She was willing to do whatever she need for you and the relationship, even if that meant LOSING HERSELF...which now that this has happened...she's pissed and there will be hell to pay.

"Eleven years out of my life, besides the kids i have nothing to show"- In every fit of rage there is a moment of clarity. That moment that identifies a positive outcome from a traumatic experience. IN this example, being able to acknowledge the fact that kids came out of this painful ordeal was an opportunity to grab hold of some reality. However, because no one was there to walk this out with her and because the whole thing seems so "all of a sudden", her overwhelming feelings of wasted time and disappointment only fuel her rage. No more reflection phase...IT'S GO TIME!

"Wasted my years a fool of a wife, I should have left your ass a long time ago"- Ah...finally a breakthrough. She now understands that there were warning signs that this relationship could turn out badly, but she drove passed the warning signs and headed onward down the highway to Hell. the unfortunate part about having this eye opening breakthrough is that the damage has probably already been done. For Bernice, in the movie, this moment begin shortly after walking back in the house...but as the clip shows, his clothes were already in the car, the gasoline already poured on them from above the sun roof of the Mercedes, and the light for her cigarette already lit to provide a perfect end to her FIT OF RAGE.

What can you do then? Count your blessings. Remember that what you did was wrong, but you can't take full responsibility for her actions. But, you also need to understand that if there were no feelings at all she probably would have just killed you. Also understand that this is part of the greiving process and if I were you, I would do some soul searching of your own....before getting involved with another relationship. Next time, you may not be able to exhale at all. Hope this helps!

Caesar

The Bridge is Over

Dear Caesar,

My boyfriend, of 4 years, and I are on what we have both deemed..."A Break". I initiated this separation because I felt he needed to be sent a clear message. He can't keep stringing this relationship along on his terms, he needs to start stepping up and displaying some signs of commitment. Like Beyonce he can either put a ring on it, or it's to the left to the left. Am i wrong? Does this "taking a break" thing even work?

Sincerely,

The Bridge is Over

Dear The Bridge Is Over,

Normally i try to remain completely impartial, but there are several components of your situation that disturb me. While I can't say that you are wrong Per se... I will definitely say that you are by no means right. Below is one man's humble opinion:

1. You signed your letter "The Bridge Is Over"- One might assume that you are from South Bronx, but I want to highlight this idea that , with your signature, you are representing yourself as being completely detached from what you are writing about...which is your relationship. Bridges are connecting structures between two places. If the bridge is no longer a credible relationship structure between you and your significant other...why would you be on a break? Just blow the thing up completely and relocate.
2. Ultimatums are bad- you call it sending a clear message, but what you really are doing is challenging him to concede to your insecurities about being alone. If you are comfortable in your relationship, then there is no need to pressure him into acquiescing that he needs to have the same level of comfort. You challenging his commitment to your relationship, as if 4 years does not prove on some level that he is actually committed, will either push him away or he will offer a half- hearted commitment (i.e. When Martin proposed to Gina the first time).
3. Did you really just quote Beyonce?- Seriously? You're better than that. Your "ring" should come from your man's own volition of wanting to be with you forever...and if even after you send him to the "left" you will still be alone, having learned nothing and probably unwilling to examine your role in the relationship; you would just move on to the next guy...who dates you for a long while...you pressure him...and then you kick him to the curb. See the cycle?

Relationships are about choice. Those choices cannot be forced and you must understand that the only person you can truly control in the relationships you choose...is you! I'm not saying stay with the guy, but if you are going to leave, then have a mature conversation with him about what is leading you to that point. But the whole "Break" concept is comepletely and utterly useless. Hope this helps.

Caesar

I'm Not A Player...

Dear Caesar,

I have been dating my girl for about 2 years now. She is great. She is ambitious, warm, considerate, driven and fine as frog’s hair. However over the past few months I have found myself becoming increasingly attracted to my co-worker. She makes me laugh, she’s easy to talk to, and we share a lot of the same views and interests. We have recently been assigned this task that has required a lot of late hours and it has heightened my feelings for her. I haven’t cheated on my girl, but I can’t deny this chemistry I am feeling with my co-worker. Any Suggestions?

Respectfully,

I’m Not A Player

Dear I’m Not A Player,

What you are describing is not uncommon. It’s natural to be attracted to someone who you seem to connect with on multiple levels, specifically if those connections extend beyond physical attraction. However, and let me be clear, you are in a relationship; and it sounds like you are happy with what your girlfriend is bringing to the table; it sounds like a classic case of The Grass May Be Greener. The following are some general rules you should consider if you are dealing with the idea of cheating within your relationship:

1)   Start with Self- you absolutely must determine if you are committed to the concept of being in a relationship. If you are honest with yourself and ask if you should even be in a relationship and your answer is no, don’t bother proceeding with the rest of these rules. Write down the pros and cons of being in a relationship (not in a relationship with your girl, but a relationship period) and see what you come up with.

2)   Beware the 80/20 principle- What you see in one environment many not be what you get all the time. You have to understand that you only know your “co-worker” at work. You may connect with her on some interest or philosophical points, but that doesn’t mean that it will translate into tangible compatibility. You don’t know what her home life is like; you aren’t aware of her history or tendencies; and news flash….because you have not been exposed to a consistent pattern of behavior in multiple environments, you can’t be too sure she’s not lying…there are some real THIRSTY females out there, willing to do whatever to land a guy.

3)   Set Appropriate Boundaries- I know this tends to be a recurring theme, but if you are choosing to be committed in your current relationship, this is a must. No one will ever be able to deny an attraction they feel. But as with every temptation, you must guard against every avenue to act on that temptation. You say y’all have to work long hours…work in public places, give yourself a cut off time (probably before 9pm), check in with your girlfriend frequently in the presence of your co-worker. It may seem tedious, but if you don’t want to cheat…boundaries must be established and followed to the letter.

Those are 3 basic rules of thumb…but if those things don’t work and you can’t seem to shake the thought of cheating, call your girl right before you cheat and break up with her. Give her the satisfaction of hearing out of your mouth what has driven you to this point. Be honest about how you have been feeling with this other woman and apologize for not being open with her when you first started having those feelings. Tell her it has nothing to do with her (because based on what you said, you have no issues with your current girlfriend) and tell her that you were not ready for a commitment and was not man enough to be honest with her. Maybe after having that conversation you will be less likely to cheat and if not, then at least you don’t have to absorb so much regret. Hope this helps!

Sincerely

Caesar

Patiently Waiting: A Message from 50 Cent

Dear Caesar,

I have been dating this guy for about a year now and he has yet to acknowledge me as his girlfriend, his boo, or at the very least his "main chick". I'm not sure what to think about it or if i should be worried. I'm not even sure if I should be concerned since it has only been a year. Should I let him know how i feel about this or just walk away now before I get hurt?

Thanks a lot,

Patiently Waiting



Dear Patiently Waiting,

As I was reading your message, the first thing that popped into my mind was the chorus to 50 Cent's "Patiently Waiting". I hope that you don't think that my using this chorus to offer perspective on your situation as a stretch, but I think it applies perfectly.

"I've been patiently waiting for a track to explode on"- At this point 50 has made a commitment to finding the right song that will allow him to give his all. Embedded in this declaration is the idea that he has spent time acknowledging who he is, what he believes will work for him and most importantly has started the process of disciplining himself by staying away from what he doesn't believe will help him be successful. He has a conviction about what he is looking for because he has put in the invaluable work on the front end of finding a good fit.

"You can stunt if you want, and yo A$$ will get rolled on"- Outlining and implementing appropriate boundaries is critical when making decisions about relationships. Because 50 put in the self reflection and goal setting time on the front end, he now can display a confidence that any song or any person who cannot provide what he is looking for is easily dismissed and disregarded. When you have a solid base of what you will and won't allow in your relationship, then you can better dismiss everything else.

"It feels like my flows been hot for so long if you thinking I'm a f'n fall off you're so wrong"- Okay so you have heard that there is a fine line between being cocky and confident, however when you had done the self-reflective work, have set appropriate boundaries and know what you are looking for and what you will allow, then you can confidently function in your convictions. It doesn't matter what people say, or how much they try to convince you that you are being naive, only you can honestly say where you are and stay true to that. When you know what you are bringing to the table and can back that up with tangible evidence, there is no way that you can fall off, be driven off, or be convinced otherwise that you are doing the wrong thing.

So, Patiently Waiting, consider the wisdom of 50 Cent in regards to this situation. Even though it's been about a year, that doesn't mean that you can't re-assess where you are and what you are looking for in a relationship. I'm not saying dump this guy because he is not fitting your definition of commitment or because he has not lined up with your time line, but what I am saying is that if you self-reflect, identify the boundaries that need to be set, be clear about what you are able and willing to offer in this relationship, AND THEN communicate them openly with your significant other, then you should be able to make a better decision about your relationship. Hope this helps.

Sincerely,

J. Caesar